Last Edited July 27, 2004
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VOLUME
40 ISSUE 24 -- 16 JUNE 2004
NEW ALTERNATIVE-FUEL SUV WILL DEPLETE WORLD'S HYDROGEN BY 2070 DETROIT, MI -- Ford announced a Sept. 3 rollout date for its new Ford Foresight, a sassy hydrogen-powered SUV that, if it reaches sales projections, will deplete the earth's supply of hydrogen by 2070. "America has asked for a car that does not use fossil fuels, and we've delivered," Ford CEO William Ford Jr. said Monday. "With an engine nearly 20 times as powerful as that of our gas-burning SUV, the 11-ton Foresight will be unaffected by the price-gouging whims of OPEC, as it uses water electrolysis to gather fuel from the oceans and the fresh mountain air." Ford acknowledged that, when hydrogen supplies are depleted, the usefulness of the Foresight, as well as life on earth as we know it, will end. |
VOLUME
40 ISSUE 23 -- 9 JUNE 2004
TEXAS ENVIRONMENTALISTS LOBBY FOR SOLAR-POWERED ELECTRIC CHAIR AUSTIN, TX -- Garrett Durning of the Texas Environmental Defense League has spent the last three months campaigning tirelessly for the installation of solar-powered electric chairs in state prisons. "Texas wastes more than 500,000 watts of electricity on every criminal it executes," Durning told reporters Monday. "We live in the 21st century, and it's high time we acted like it. Let's stop depleting our non-renewable fossil fuels. Solar power is a more energy-efficient way to execute the condemned." Durning added that wrist and ankle restraints should be made of hemp rather than leather, the use of which is cruel. |
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VOLUME
40 ISSUE 01 -- 7 JANUARY 2004
MORBIDLY OBESE MAN ENJOYS DISABLED PRIVILEGES WITH MOTORIZED CART MESA, AZ -- Former fat lump of crap Joseph Woodring joined the ranks of the disabled Monday with the purchase of a Rascal™-brand motorized cart. "I am pleased to make the move from morbidly obese to differently abled," said the 410-pound Woodring, as he careened through EastTowne Mall on his electrically powered whale transporter. "My newfound handicapped status has truly given me a new lease on convenience." Woodring then motored off to the mall's food court for a McRib Deluxe Extra Value Meal. |
ROTATING KNIFE VORTEX CLOSED PENDING SAFETY INVESTIGATION NORFOLK, VA--By the order of the Virginia Safety Commission, the Norfolk Rotating Vortex Of Sharp Knives public-works project was temporarily closed Monday. "Until we deem that this whirling knife vortex fully complies with all state and federal safety regulations, we unfortunately have no choice but to shut it down," commission spokesman James Fenten said. Vortex operators are angry. "Closing the vortex is costing dozens of workers their paychecks," project supervisor Carl Blaine said, "It's costing the city $100,000 every day it's down. This city needs a gigantic, funnel-like chasm with whirling, razor-sharp steel blades protruding from all sides, and it needs it now." |
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DECEMBER 2003 § UNSUSPECTING CRUISE SHIPS MAKE EXCELLENT TARGETS, TERRORISTS NOTE BEIRUT, LEBANON -- An international coalition of terrorists issued a helpful reminder Tuesday warning that cruise ships make excellent unwary targets of terror attacks. "Our research has shown that cruise ships, where thousands of tourists are confined and totally oblivious to a terror threat, make superb targets," said Mohammad al-Rabib, a spokesperson for the terrorist organization Hamas. "There are many deadly ways to wreck mass havoc on a cruise ship, such as detonating bombs, releasing Antrax or other virulent spores, nerve gas, poisoning the food or water supply, or even detonating a 'dirty bomb' with fissile material." Speaking from a secret bunker at an undisclosed location in the Kashmir hills, Osama bin Laden agreed. "Al Qaeda is firmly committed to killing rich infidel tourists on cruise ships," bin Laden said, "and it's only a matter of time before one of my suicide bomber teams coordinates an attack. For now, we'll just have to wait." |
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VOLUME
39 ISSUE 34 -- 3 SEPTEMBER 2003
HOPE FADES FOR SURVIVORS IN 1999 TURKISH EARTHQUAKE IZMIT, TURKEY -- Rescuers acknowledged that hope is fading in the search for additional survivors of the massive earthquake that hit the area Tuesday, Aug. 17, 1999. "Tens of thousands of victims were pinned under the wreckage when the many poorly constructed three- and four-story commercial and residential buildings in the region collapsed in the quake," city official Demitri Psaropoulos said Monday. "Sadly, the sweltering heat and lack of water make survival chances slim for anyone still trapped in the rubble." The official death toll from the devastating earthquake reached 17,000 in November 1999.n |
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VOLUME
38 ISSUE 39 -- 23 OCTOBER 2002
LINEBACKER FACES SUSPENSION FOR GENOCIDE MINNEAPOLIS, MN -- In the latest legal complication for an NFL player, Minnesota Vikings linebacker Antwone Evans may receive a fine and possibly even a suspension for his role in the mass slaughter of the Lithuanian people in a Sunday pogrom. "In cruelly rounding up and exterminating more than three million Lithuanian men, women, and children, Evans seriously violated the behavior standard to which we hold all our employees," said NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue. "We are currently deliberating on whether to suspend him pending the verdict of his U.N. tribunal." |
VOLUME
39 ISSUE 16 -- 1 MAY 2003
CHIMP STUDY ON HUMAN-EVASION RESPONSE TO FECES-HURLING NEARLY COMPLETE MADISON, WI -- Chimpanzees at the University of Wisconsin's Primate Laboratory are nearing completion of a two-year study on human-evasion response to hurled feces, sources reported Tuesday. "Our research shows that Homo sapiens experience extreme agitation and an urge to flee when pelted with baseball-sized lumps of primate scat," said Dr. Jingles, speaking from his research cage. "In 10 out of 10 cases, our test subjects retreated to the far corner of the room and screamed, 'Stop! Stop! AIIIIGH!'" Dr. Jingles first made his mark in science in 1993, when he earned the Nobel Prize for conclusively proving the deliciousness of bananas. |
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VOLUME
40 ISSUE 12 -- 24 MARCH 2004
PSYCHIC HELPS POLICE WASTE VALUABLE TIME MANCHESTER, NH -- More than 36 hours after the disappearance of 13-year-old Heather Jordan, Manchester police hired local psychic Lynette Mure-Davis to help waste their valuable time Monday. "I see a river... and along the banks is an outcropping with five lilac bushes," said Mure-Davis, who then paused a full 90 seconds to "collect vibrations" from Jordan's scarf. "I also see a man... tall, but stocky, wearing... a hat. And an animal, perhaps a dog." As of press time, Jordan was still trapped under a collapsed utility shed three blocks west of her house. |
VOLUME
40 ISSUE 12 -- 24 MARCH 2004
SCIENTIST HAS NAGGING FEELING HE LEFT PARTICLE ACCELERATOR ON CHICAGO, IL -- University of Chicago particle physicist Matthew Sharp drove halfway home before he was struck with the fear that he'd left the Argonne Tandem Linac Accelerator System running Tuesday night. "I think I powered it down after smashing those 9-GeV electrons into 3.1-GeV positrons, but I don't specifically remember flipping the switch," Sharp said. "Not only does a nine million volt electrostatic tandem Van de Graaff injector accelerator cost a lot to run; it's also a pretty serious fire hazard." Sharp almost turned his car around, but didn't, because the past three times he's gone back to check on the accelerator, he's found it off. |
NEW-VERSUS-OLD ELECTRIC-SLIDE CONFUSION BLAMED IN WEDDING-RECEPTION PILEUP
MALDEN, MA -- Twelve wedding guests were critically injured Saturday night in a dance-floor pileup blamed on new-versus-old Electric Slide confusion. "The DJ called for the Electric Slide without specifying which, and when the 'old' Sliders slid to the right, they collided violently with the stationary, hip-shaking 'new' Sliders," paramedic Laura Denison said. "By the fifth bar, the dance floor was a gruesome tangle of bodies." In the wake of the tragedy, the American Association of Disc Jockeys released a statement urging all DJs to specify which Electric Slide they are calling for at any future weddings, retirement parties, and bar mitzvahs.
FORMER CHINESE DISSIDENT HAS YOUR ORDER READY
SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- Dr. Xu Shui Xian Liang, a founding member of the Autonomous Federation of Beijing's Workers in Tiananmen Square who spent 12 years in a labor camp for his involvement in the anti-dictatorship effort during the Cultural Revolution, is ready with your order. "That's one chipotle chicken-filet sandwich, two large regular salads—tofu bacon on one, a white-chicken-chili soup, and three low-fat blondies," said the former leader of the students' movement in the Guang Tong province. "Would you like your receipt?" Xu, who was tortured into confessing to stealing state assets in collusion with organized crime shortly before he defected to the U.S. in 1999, is sorry, he will be right back with that Diet Coke"
<YOU> THE NEWEST SUBSIDIARY OF KRAFT FOODS
NORTHFIELD, IL -- In the company's latest acquisition, Kraft Foods announced Monday that it has gained a controlling interest in you for an estimated $11,000, nearly 20 percent less than the amount forecast by Forbes Magazine market analysts earlier this year. "We are pleased to bring you under the umbrella of fine Kraft products and individuals," Kraft CEO Bob Eckert said. "After some retooling and repackaging, expect to be on store shelves sometime in early spring."
U.S. CHANGES MOTTO TO 'AMERICA...WE'RE GONNA MAKE YA SMILE'
WASHINGTON, DC -- After a focus group determined "In God We Trust" to be "boring," the U.S. introduced a new motto Monday: "America...We're Gonna Make Ya Smile." "We feel the new motto projects a more playful image for the nation," State Department spokesman Marlon Harris said. "This new slogan tells the world that America Is Fun Country." Harris added that "E Pluribus Unum" will be replaced on all currency with "U.S. Fever -- Catch It!"
EXXONMOBILE SWEARS IT'S GOING TO START TAXES EARLY THIS YEAR
IRVING, TX -- Hoping to avoid the "scraping and scrambling" it does every year, the ExxonMobil Corporation announced Tuesday that it has made a solemn promise to get moving on taxes early this year. "I swear, this time we are not going to be up all night on April 15," ExxonMobil chairman and CEO Lee R. Raymond said. "We're going to start sorting through those receipts from the Qatar and Malaysia production facilities the first weekend we have time. Wouldn't it be nice to get it done ahead of time for a change?" Raymond said he hasn't forgotten driving around at 10 p.m. looking for a gas station with a copy machine last year.
AOL ACQUIRES TIME-WARNER IN LARGEST-EVER EXPENDITURE OF PRETEND INTERNET MONEY
DULLES, VA--In the largest merger of imaginary assets in corporate history, Internet giant America Online last week acquired media megacorp Time-Warner for an unprecedented $161 billion in pretend money Thursday. "This merger will revolutionize the way invisible amounts of non-existent cash are transferred," said Steve Case of AOL, a company whose actual revenues are a tiny fraction of its make-believe valuation. In an effort to keep pace with AOL, website blairwitchproject.com is expected to acquire General Motors by the end of the week.
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VOLUME
38 ISSUE 46 -- 11 DECEMBER 2002
COJOINED TWIN HOGGING KIDNEY SPRINGFIELD, MO -- Bruce Andrusko, 27, complained loudly Monday about his conjoined twin Bryce's habit of hogging the brothers' middle kidney. "He drinks tons of beer, and that only leaves me the one kidney for everything I drink," said Bruce, who has been fused with Bryce at the torso since birth. "I'm sick of it." Bryce responded that Bruce "never seems to complain" when the beer is introduced to their shared bloodstream. |
REPORT: MOST TERRORISTS DO NOT START THE DAY OFF
WITH A GOOD BREAKFAST GENEVA, SWITZERLAND--In a report that is prompting some to rethink the causes of terrorism, the World Health Organization announced Monday that a startling 96 percent of international terrorists do not start off the day with a good breakfast. "Very few of those who use violence to advance their radical agendas enjoy a healthy, well-balanced breakfast with selections from a variety of food groups," WHO director Johann Bruckhorst-Kliebe said. "these findings make it clear that when it comes to the problem of fighting terrorism, nutrition may play a far more important role than previously believed." |
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA--The "postmodern" condition of alienated, disjointed late-20th-century humanity was officially upgraded to "pre-apocalyptic" Monday, when new findings from leading postmodernist theorist Richard Rorty were published in the new issue of Semiotexte. "I was flipping through the cable channels the other night, trying to get an abstract sense of the way emergent processes of change and transformation generated by contemporary high-tech society are challenging cultural assumptions regarding diverse aesthetic forms to create a novel state of history," Rorty said, "when, all of a sudden, I realized that everything I was looking at was the biggest load of unimaginably horrific crap ever." At this point in the socio-cultural discourse, Rorty said, the key question is no longer whether or not social fragmentation, curtural meta-juxtaposition and socioeconomic problematics require new modes of experience and interpretation, but rather, "When will the seven-headed dragon of the End Times descend upon us all in unholy fury?"
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VOLUME
39 ISSUE 28 -- 23 JULY 2003
MAN TRAPPED UNDER BOULDER BRACES FOR POSSIBLE GOOD MORNING AMERICA INTERVIEW YOSEMITE VILLAGE, CA -- Rock climber Scott Prichard, 31, who has spent the last 48 hours with his legs pinned under a boulder on Glacier Point, is reportedly bracing himself for a possible interview on Good Morning America. "God, Charles Gibson, that annoying weatherman with the wisecracks," a sweat- and urine-soaked Prichard said. "I pray Diane Sawyer doesn't ask me if I wanted to climb the Point 'because it was there.' I just would not be able to stomach that kind of inane chit-chat." Prichard then passed out from the intense pain. |
2-D DORITOS SALES LAGGING DALLAS-- In the wake of the launch of "Doritos 3-Ds," Frito-Lay is experiencing a sharp decrease in sales of its original two-dimensional Doritos. "The public has gone wild for our revolutionary three- dimensional chips, which, in addition to the usual length and width, also possess depth," Frito-Lay spokesman Isaac Toomer said. "So wild, in fact, that they lost interest in traditional monoplanar snack chips." Toomer said Frito-Lay is now developing a highly theoretical "Funyuns 4-D." "One day, people everywhere will enjoy crispy, extratemporal Funyuns that intersect with an infinite number of parallel universes," Toomer said. "It will be a whole new world of non-Euclidean snacking." |
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RIVERBOAT HORSERACING FAILS UTTERLY BILOXI, MS-- Owners of the nation's first riverboat-horseracing facility announced its closure Tuesday, minutes after the inaugural race. "I guess we planned it pretty poorly," said Ronald Frisch, president and CEO of Gambling Concepts Unlimited. "We figured that once we opened the dining-room doors, the horses would know to race through the grand buffet room to the other side of the boat." Twenty-five people were trampled to death in the chaos that resulted, and eight horses drowned when they fell from the riverboat's lower deck. Gambling Concepts Unlimited officials said they still plan to hold next month's airborne rodeo as scheduled. |
VOLUME
39 ISSUE 46 -- 26 NOVEMBER 2003
VULGARIA MAY POSSESS FLYING-CAR TECHNOLOGY WASHINGTON, DC -- State Department officials are "deeply concerned" by a newly released report that Vulgarian despot Baron Bomburst has acquired Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, the fantastical flying car created by zany, limber inventor Caractacus Potts. "Vulgaria is already a leader in the fields of child abduction and wife-beating," Secretary of State Colin Powell said Monday. "If they can reverse-engineer the Potts device and discover the tactically crucial, splendiferous technology of airborne, turn-of-the-century Grand Prix racers, the global balance of power could potentially be altered forever." |
DEFENSE DEPARTMENT TYPO RESULTS IN U.S. ATTACK ON IRA
ARLINGTON, VA -- The U.S. Defense Department apologized to Skokie, IL, dentist Ira Nussbaum Tuesday following a bombing campaign aimed at removing the 37-year-old from power. "Apparently, the intelligence source who drafted the attack plan against Iraq failed to strike the 'Q' key hard enough," Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said. "The 'Q' was always a little stubborn on that keyboard. Sorry." This marks the first military action taken against Nussbaum since a malfunctioning shift key prompted Ulster Unionists to detonate his Ford Taurus in 1998.
INSURANCE SALESMAN CELEBRATES 14TH YEAR OF QUOTING FLETCH
VALLEJO, CA—At a gala luncheon Tuesday featuring Bloody Marys, steak sandwiches, and steak sandwiches, insurance salesman Marty Cutler celebrated his 14th year of quoting lines from the 1985 Chevy Chase film Fletch. "All I can say is, 'Using the whole fist, doc?'" Cutler told the many guests who have endured his quips over the years. The 31-year-old Cutler—who arrived 45 minutes late for the luncheon, explaining that "a manure-spreader jack-knifed on the Santa Ana"—has quoted Fletch an estimated 241,500 times since first dropping lines from the film into conversation in November 1985. Upon learning that the event's $100-a-portion Beluga caviar had run out, Cutler, who also goes by the name "Dr. Rosenrosen," dead-panned, "Never mind, just bring me a cup of hot fat and the head of Alfredo Garcia."
STUFF ON FLOOR EITHER CAT FOOD OR CAT SHIT
LODI, NJ -- The moist, brownish pile on the Gehrke living-room floor is either cat food or cat shit, sources reported Monday. "If I had to guess, I'd say it's cat food," said Lydia Gehrke, 44, staring at the mystery heap. "But the way Oscar's been digesting lately, cat shit is definitely a possibility, too." Though a long shot, Gehrke noted that it could also be cat vomit. "Whatever it is," she said, "it involves the cat."
CAPTAIN'S HAT REALLY COMPLETES STREET LUNATIC'S ENSEMBLE
CHICAGO, IL -- A tattered U.S. Navy Captain's hat taken from a Salvation Army Dumpster adds the perfect finishing touch to street lunatic Corner Carl's outfit, fashion critics raved Monday. "The sailor's hat playfully juxtaposes his filthy Chicago Bears sweatshirt and backwards pajama bottoms," People style correspondent Steven Cojocaru said. "And when he screams at fire hydrants, it's now like he's scolding his imagined Navy underlings." GQ fashion writer Rob Vance said the nautical-themed hat makes Corner Carl resemble "a psychotic, profanity-spewing Alan Hale Jr."
WIFE TOO BUSY VIDEOTAPING ELK ATTACK TO SAVE HUSBAND'S LIFE
BANGOR, ME—Investigators are citing "camcorder duty" as a significant factor in the death of Larry Fallon, who was kicked to death by an elk during a hunting trip Tuesday. "I wish more than anything that I could have grabbed Ken's rifle from the truck and helped him," a grieving Roxanne Fallon said, "but to aim and fire the gun while maintaining focus and properly framing the action would have been impossible." Fallon's death, captured on tape in its entirety, will air Dec. 18, on Fox's When Animals Attack VII.
JURY SELECTION PROVING DIFFICULT IN TRIAL OF "THE JURY KILLER"
PHOENIX, AZ -- Defense attorneys for Thomas David Skrepnak, accused in 1999 of fatally stabbing all 12 members of the jury hearing his armed-robbery trial, are having trouble finding unbiased jurors for his upcoming murder trial. "It is difficult to find a jury that won't be at least somewhat prejudiced against Thomas," lead defense attorney Patricia Wynne said Monday, "especially given the hot-button issue of jury murder at hand here." Skrepnak's last six court appearances all ended in mistrial.
FREAK ACCIDENT PARALYZES MAN FROM WAIST UP
MESA, AZ-- A bizarre, unprecedented spinal injury sustained in a car accident Saturday has left local resident Roberto Montenegro paralyzed from the waist up. "Roberto is back on his feet," said Mesa General Hospital head of surgery William Crist. "Unfortunately, though, he has lost all feeling in his head, arms, and torso. No longer able to move from the waist up, he cannot eat, speak, dial a telephone, type, open doors, or look sideways." Doctors said Montenegro should be able to resume his career as a professional soccer player as early as next week.
AL QAEDA ISSUES PRESS RELEASE WARNING 2004 AMERICAN VOTERS
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, AFGHANISTAN--On Wednesday, the international Islamic terrorist organization Al Qaeda issued a formal press release warning American voters not to vote for George Bush in the 2004 election if they expected to live. "The American infidels can expect more bombings if they vote for that pig, Bush." It went on to mention the alternative, "If they vote for anyone else running against Bush, they can expect fewer bombings, so fewer women and children will die." The press release was a blatant threat that a vote for Bush would be a vote for one's own murder.
PEPSI SUPER BOWL AD RAISES WORLDWIDE PEPSI-AWARENESS 0.00000000001 PERCENT
SOMERS, NY—A 60-second, $2.6 million ad aired during the Super Bowl has raised global awareness of Pepsi .00000000001 percent, Pepsi officials said Monday. Specifically, the ad raised Pepsi-awareness in Tak Huun, 71, a Mongolian goatherder and one of five known humans not familiar with Pepsi. "This $2.6 million was money well spent. With it, Pepsi has finally achieved 99.9999999999 percent global saturation and cracked the hard-to-reach Tak Huun market," Pepsico's Ken Doyle said. "We now look forward to introducing Pepsi to Mala N'dougou of Gabon and babies born in comas." Chief Pepsi rival Coca-Cola will soon launch its own $11 million ad blitz targeting Huun.
WASHINGTON, DC--According to a Labor Department report released Monday, Americans who lost their jobs in the past year are doing little to aid the recovery of the nation's economy. "Unemployed Americans are neglecting their patriotic duties by spending far less than the gainfully employed," the report read. "Until these laid-off workers start pitching in and buying things, America's economy will continue to stagnate." The report did note that jobless citizens have strongly supported America's fortified-wine industry.
Ünited Stätes TOUGHENS IMAGE WITH UMLAUTS
WASHINGTON, DC—In a move designed to make the United States seem more "bad-assed and scary in a quasi-heavy-metal manner," Congress passed a bill Monday changing the nation's name to the Ünited Stätes of Ämerica. "Much like Mötley Crüe and Motörhead, the Ünited Stätes is not to be messed with," said Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK). An upcoming redesign of the Ämerican flag will feature the new name in burnished silver wrought in a jagged, gothic font and bolted to a black background. A new national anthem is also in the works, to be written by composer Glenn Danzig and tentatively titled "Howl Of The She-Demon."
CASH-STRAPPED MICHAEL JACKSON FORCED TO SELL OFF GIRAFFES AS MEAT
NEVERLAND VALLEY RANCH, CA -- Nearly bankrupt due to Sony exploitation and under-promotion, Michael Jackson was forced to sell more than two dozen of his beloved pet giraffes to exotic-meat suppliers Monday. "I will greatly miss Patches and Princess and the other giraffes," Jackson said in a statement read by his lawyer. "But Tommy Mottola has cruelly left me with no choice but to pawn off some of my dearest friends in order to survive." Jackson's financial situation is reportedly so dire that he's also had to make do with a bargain-brand anal bleach.
BATHROOM FIRE IN FRENCH
FRANKFORT, KY—Jenny Block, a Crestwood High
School ninth-grader, attempted to tell French teacher
Madame Shapiro about a fire in the girls' second-floor
bathroom Monday, only to be ordered to speak
French. "En française," Shapiro told the frantic, wildly
gesticulating Block. "S'il ya un feu dans le WC,
dites-moi dans la langue propre. D'accord?" Block
then tried to say, "Allyson Dorner threw a lit cigarette
in the garbage, and it burst into flames, and now
there's a huge fire spreading all over the bathroom!" in
French, but got stuck on the word for "threw."
PURCHASE, NY-- Pepsico executives are blaming "interdepartmental miscommunication" for the recent $300 million rollout of "Citrus Blast" lemon-lime Doritos. "Apparently, there was some sort of marketing mix-up, resulting in a spectacularly unappealing snack chip," said Pepsico director of product development Jim Schumann, apologizing for the millions of bags of sugary, tart tortilla chips now glutting the nation's supermakets. "Please bear with us while these unfortunate chips are removed from store shelves."Schumann further apologized for the countless two-liter bottles of Zesty Jalapeño Slice also now available nationwide.
BROWNSVILLE, TX--A toxic-chemical leak at the Brownsville ammonia plant sent workers running for their lives Monday, exposing the city to deadly Mexican working conditions. "I smelled pure, concentrated ammonia leaking from one of the tanks, and for a second, I thought I was in the wrong country," plant foreman Dick Shriver said. "I mean, my God, Americans work here." Investigators noted with relief that shortly after the leak, a brisk wind came in from the north, blowing the lethal fumes out of the U.S.
ACTIVITY MADE UP TO SELL ATHLETIC SHOES
BEAVERTON, OR -- In its latest niche-marketing coup, the Nike Corporation on Monday unveiled the Nike Bog-Ramper, a light, durable sneaker designed for the newly fabricated sport of bog-ramping. "Nike is the first footwear company to introduce a shoe specially engineered to meet the exacting demands of the competitive bog-ramper," said Nike CEO Phil Knight, introducing the $130 shoe at the company's headquarters. "Whatever bog-ramping is, and wherever and by whom it is done, don't even think about trying it without your Nikes." Knight added that the shoes are also suitable for street wear.
GEORGIA SCHOOL BOARD BANS 'THEORY OF MATH'
COGDELL, GA -- The Cogdell School Board banned the teaching of the controversial "Theory Of Math" in its schools Monday. "We are simply not confident of this mysterious process by which numbers turn, as if by magic, into other numbers," board member Gus Reese said. "Those mathematicians are free to believe 3 times 4 equals 12, but that dun [sic] give them the right to force it on our children." Under the new ruling, all math textbooks will carry a disclaimer noting that math is only one of many valid theories of number-manipulation.
ST. LOUIS, MI--Hot on the heels of his successful line of non-curative medicines, non-alcoholic-beer inventor Thomas O'Doul unveiled "Elmer's Slick," a glue that looks and feels like ordinary white glue but has no adhesive properties. "Say goodbye to your fingers getting all stuck together, just because you want to glue things," O'Doul said at a press conference Monday. "With Elmer's Slick, you can enjoy gluing without all the messy adhesiveness." O'Doul said he next plans to develop a flame-retardant gasoline and the world's first gelatinous construction lumber.
COLUMBUS, OH-- The passionate love felt by Columbus resident Jonathan Duffy for Ohio State University graduate student Danielle Graves can be stopped by no force outside the ruling of Fifth Circuit Court Judge Harlan Jameson, Duffy said Monday. "Wild horses cannot drag me away from the 100-yard perimeter I've carefully measured around her property," said Duffy, finishing a collage of photos of Graves walking to and from classes, watering her lawn, and ducking behind neighbors' houses. "No court-appointed psychiatrist can medicate away the love a man feels for his spirit bride."
CAMBRIDGE, MA--On what is now known as "Monday," a team of MIT scientists unveiled "time," a revolutionary new event-sequencing protocol which organizes phenomena along a four-dimensional axis, preventing everything from taking place at once. "No longer will the extinction of the dinosaurs, the assassination of John F. Kennedy, and the Earth-Xabraxiq Pod Wars all collapse into a single point," theoretical physicist Dr. Lawrence Chang said. "With time, we can now contextualize each of the universe's infinite number of occurrences in its own spatial-temporal plane, creating order where there once was chaos." Added Dr. Erno Toffel: "Using time, one event can be positioned chronologically so as to be the cause of another. For example, a man's death may result in a gun being fired at him. Or the other way around. We're still working out some of the kinks."
TOPEKA, KS--Calling the old spelling "totally lame," the Kansas legislature voted Monday to change the state's name to "Cannsas," effective immmediately. "Kansas" with a 'K' was just so boring," said Gov. Bill Graves, writing "Cannsas" over and over on a looseleaf binder. "It looks way cooler with the 'C' and two 'N's. It's almost like it's foreign or something." The move is believed to have been motivated by a similar move last year by the state of Kentuckki.
WORLD GETS FIRST-EVER LOOK INSIDE GREENSPAN FANTASY RANCH
YORBA LINDA, CA--In an exclusive, first-ever peek inside the fabled estate, CNNfn cameras were allowed onto the grounds of Fiscalypso, Federal Reserve chair Alan Greenspan's palatial Yorba Linda fantasy ranch, Monday. Greeting CNNfn reporter Dan Grentsch in a purple fur coat and Speedo swim trunks, the reclusive financial genius gave a guided tour of the 200-room mansion, pointing out such sights as his ruby-encrusted stock ticker, his rotating dollar-sign-shaped waterbed, and the "Love Hut," a shag-carpeted, warehouse-sized room stocked with nubile virgins from each of the seven major industrialized nations.
DAMASCUS, SYRIA--With the world breathing a collective sigh of relief following the violence-free passage into the year 2000, an international coalition of terrorists issued a reminder Monday that the new millennium does not actually begin until Jan. 1, 2001. "Technically speaking, we are now in the last year of the 20th century," said Mahmoud al-Habib, a spokesperson for the terrorist organization Hamas. "Since there was no year zero, next New Year's Eve is the real time to detonate bombs in Times Square and blow commercial airliners out of the sky." Speaking from a secret bunker in the Kashmir hills, Osama bin Laden agreed. "We were all set to blow up the Eiffel Tower," bin Laden said, "when one of my suicide bombers pointed out that it should actually be done next Jan. 1, not this one. I suppose we'll just have to wait."
85 PERCENT OF U.S. COLE SLAW REMAINS UNEATEN
WASHINGTON, DC -- According to a report released Monday by the Department of Sides and Garnishes, 85 percent of U.S. cole slaw is never consumed. "Extensive surveying of restaurant bus tubs and waste bins indicates that for every 120 tons of slaw produced, only 18 tons end up being eaten," the study reported. The study focused exclusively on U.S. restaurants, as there is no evidence that anyone has ever made cole slaw for home consumption.
NEWARK, NJ--Six years of familial neglect netted longtime Prudential Insurance employee Walt Arness a major promotion to national vice-president of accounting Monday. "Well done, Walt," Prudential CEO Art Ryan said. "For six years, while other employees were busy getting out of work early to see their kids' soccer games and spending Saturdays with their wives, you were tirelessly dedicating yourself to this company. And for that, you will be handsomely rewarded." As part of his new job, Arness will spend 25 weeks a year on the road, supervising accounting operations in Prudential offices across the U.S.
YAKIMA, WA--American Automobile Association member Janet Klugh enjoyed one of the many perks of membership in the organization Monday, when she was pulled first from the wreckage of a violent two-car collision on Hwy. C. "It was wonderful," Klugh said. "Even though the driver of the other car was more seriously injured, pinned beneath the wheel with her left lung collapsed, the AAA paramedics helped me first." Klugh also enjoyed free bandages and a TripTik© with directions to a local hospital.
CAMBRIDGE, MA--While attempting to isolate a gene believed to be key to the develpment of the autoimmune disorder myasthenia gravis Monday, MIT geneticists Dr. Stephen Eng and Dr. Caryn Sohn made a breakthrough discovery: each other. "I was examining some cellular tissue when my electron microscope broke," Eng said. "Caryn offered to share her microscope, and each of us looked at the tissue through one of the eyepieces. At one point, our cheeks lightly touched, and I looked over and realized how beautiful she looks without her glasses." Sohn felt a similar rush of emotion, saying, "I always saw Stephen as a respected colleague and a dedicated scientist. But that afternoon, for the first time, I saw him as a man." A process of trial-and-error sexual experimentation commenced later that evening, continuing well into the night.
WASHINGTON, D.C.--Reacting to the Sept. 7 stampede in which 18 members of the House of Representatives were trampled to death in a mad dash to get good seats for a debate and vote on insurance-deregulation bill H.R. 1627, Congress announced Monday that it will end its longtime "festival seating" policy. "Regrettably, there is no way to turn back the clock and prevent the senseless loss of these representatives," Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert told reporters. "But we can take steps to ensure that horrible tragedies like this never happen again." In the future, Hastert said, congressmen will purchase tickets with preassigned seat numbers and be required to sit in that seat.
BASEL, SWITZERLAND--In what it is touting as "a fun, delicious new way to combat Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder," Ritalin manufacturer Novartis unvelied Ritalin Gummis Monday. "Good news, parents: Controlling your kids' wandering attention spans and erratic, impulsive behavior just got yummier," said Novartis director of product development Charles Bentley. "Available in five fruity flavors, Ritalin Gummis will soon be available at pharmacies and Brach's Pick-A-Mix displays everywhere." If the product is successful, Novartis rival Eli Lilly said it will likely move forward with a tart, sugary antidepressant tentatively dubbed "Paxil Stix."
SAN FRANCISCO--The ultimate taboo was broken for the 856th time Monday, when the controversial art exhibit Doo-Doo Messiah opened at the San Francisco Museum Of Modern Art. The shocking series of sculptures and paintings, which, among other things, depict Jesus Christ enthusiastically eating St. Paul's feces and blessing himself with the urine of John the Baptist, has sparked outrage among Christian leaders, many of whom flew straight from the Brooklyn Museum Of Art's "Sensation" exhibit to begin work on protesting this latest shocking installation. "This is the most horrifying, blasphemous excuse for art I have ever witnessed again," said Father Theodore Dickey of the Archdiocese of Boston. "I have seen many excrement-Jesus sculptures, but this is easily one of the 20 worst." Pastor Joseph Annunciata of the Cincinnati League of Episcopalians was equally shocked, asking, "Why would they display such a thing in a place where decent Christians are going to see it when they come to protest it?"
MISS NUDE AMERICA LOSES TITLE AFTER APPEARING CLOTHED IN "WOMAN'S DAY"
OCALA, FL -- Tawny Bridges, Miss Nude America 2003, was forced to relinquish her crown amid scandal Monday, when it was discovered that she had appeared clothed in a 1999 issue of Woman's Day magazine. "Miss Bridges has conducted herself in a wholesome manner entirely unbecoming of this title," pageant chairman Peter Taub said. "We are a non-profit pageant that provides scholarships to promising young nude women and cannot condone her decision to pose clad."
FOSTER CITY, CA--In a follow-up to their already successful gold, platinum and titanium cards, Visa metallurgists unveiled the new Polonium Plus credit card Monday. "With its zero percent introductory interest rate, credit line of up to $500,000 and impressive 962 degree Celsius boiling point, Polonium Plus is the only choice for the discriminating shopper," said Visa scientist Dr. Andrew Manzanillo, one of the developers of the radioactive, no-fee card. "And with more isotopes than any other card, Polonium Plus isn't going to decay any time soon." Polonium cardholders who maintain a good credit record for three years will automatically be eligible for the inert Xenon Card, which comes in an attractive glass tube.
RITALIN CURES NEXT PICASSO
WORCESTER, MA--Area 7-year old Douglas Castellano's unbridled energy and creativity are no longer a problem thanks to Ritalin, doctors for the child announced Monday. "After years of failed attempts to stop Douglas' uncontrolled bouts of self-expression, we have finally found success with Ritalin, " Dr. Irwin Schraeger said. "For the first time in his life, Douglas can actually sit down and not think about lots of things at once." Castellano's parents reported that the cured child no longer tries to draw on everything in sight, calming down enough to show an interest in television.
STAUNTON, VA--Coroners are listing "massive wicker trauma" as the official cause in Monday's death of 420-pound Staunton resident Tony Grushecky. "Forensic evidence indicates that the base of the chair in which Mr. Grushecky sat gave out at 5 p.m. Monday, with the collapse driving razor- sharp wicker spears upwards of two feet into his morbidly obese body," Augusta County Coroner Edward Reynoso told reporters. "In my 22 years as coroner here, I've never seen such a brutal wicker-chair impaling." Grushecky's enormous rolls of body fat were insufficient to protect him from the deadly spears, Reynoso said, and numerous vital organs were irreparably wickered.
EDINA, MN-- Impending global ecological disaster resulted in a delightful, balmy mid-February afternoon Monday. "Oooh, this is nice," said Edina resident Todd Crimmons, enjoying a 55-degree afternoon of rollerblading thanks to a rise in atmospheric carbon-dioxide levels resulting from massive overdependence on fossil fuels and the depletion of plant life. "I think I could get used to this loss of our planet's climatic integrity."
AREA MAN OVERLY PROUD OF NEVER WEARING UNDERWEAR
LITTLE ROCK, AR -- Local record-store clerk Greg Oertel, 23, seems inordinately proud that he never wears underwear, Oertel's coworkers told reporters Tuesday. "I've heard Greg mention about 10 times that he never wears underwear," coworker Jake Hannah said. "He acts like he doesn't care what we think about it, but I'm beginning to suspect he does." According to his friends, Oertel insists that he gets hot when he wears underwear, so he "just doesn't bother," and that "it's no big deal."
IZMIR, TURKEY-- According to reports, Izmir-area journalist and table- tennis enthusiast Mahir welcomes you to his homepage and kiss you. "Welcome to my page!!!!!!!!! I Kiss You!!!!!" said Mahir, who enjoys taking foto-camera of animals, towns, nice nude models and peoples. Friends and neighbors of the green-eyed, mustachioed player of many many music enstrumans reported his tall at 1.84 centimeters. Mahir also stressed that who is want to come TURKEY, he can invitate. "She can stay my home," he said. "I like to be friendship from other country." Those who visitate Mahir and stay his home can expect to speak numerous languages with him, as well as participate in such sports as swiming, volayball, tenis and walk. "I like sex," Mahir added.
LATE-WORKING CEO CALLS OUT FOR COFFEE IN VAIN
NEW YORK -- While pulling a late-nighter at the office, Verizon Communications CEO Ivan Seidenberg repeatedly called out for coffee Tuesday despite being the only person in the building. "Would somebody please bring me some coffee?" shouted Seidenberg from his desk at approximately 11:30 p.m. "I need a cup of coffee—with two sugars. Dolores? Janice? Coffee?" Seidenberg alternated his requests for coffee with announcements that printer tray number two was out of paper.
U.S. URGES BIN LADEN TO FORM NATION IT CAN ATTACK
WASHINGTON, DC— Speaking via closed-circuit television from the Oval Office Monday, President Bush made a direct plea to Osama bin Laden to form a nation the U.S. can attack. "Whether you take over an existing nation like Afghanistan or create a new breakaway republic called, say, Osamastan, the important thing is that you establish an identifiable nation-state with an army, a capital, and clearly defined borders," Bush said. "Maybe you could also sign some quick treaties to definitively establish who your allies are." The president then pledged $600 million to bin Laden for the construction of a state-of-the-art defense headquarters that the U.S. can bomb.
PRESIDENT URGES CALM, RESTRAINT AMONG NATION'S BALLAD SINGERS
WASHINGTON, DC— In the wake of the recent national tragedy, President Bush is urging Mariah Carey, Michael Jackson, and other singers to resist the urge to record mawkish, insipid all-star tribute ballads. "To America's recording artists, I just want to say, please, there has already been enough suffering," Bush said. "The last thing we need right now is a soaring Barbra Streisand-Brian McKnight duet titled 'One For All.'" Reports that the FBI had confiscated several notebooks and audio tapes from Diane Warren's home could not be confirmed as of press time.
BANKRUPT DOT-COM PROUD TO HAVE BRIEFLY CHANGED THE WAY PEOPLE BUY CHEESE GRATERS
SAN FRANCISCO—Egraters.com, an Internet retailer that filed for Chapter 11 last week, announced on its homepage Tuesday that it is proud to have briefly made people rethink the way they buy cheese graters. "Unfortunately, we were not able to see our revolution all the way through," read the message from CEO Jeff Bell, 29. "But for a brief, shining moment, we showed the world that there is a better way to buy graters." Bell said he hopes to one day relaunch Egraters.com and "smash the tyranny of traditional brick-and-mortar cheese-grater-tailing."
CIVIL WAR HISTORIANS POSIT 'YOU HAD TO BE THERE' THEORY
ATLANTA, GA -- After years of conflicting approaches to interpreting the Civil War, a coalition of historians on Tuesday posited the non-specific theory that "you had to be there" to fully understand the complexities of the war. "It's not just a matter of 'Were the Southern forces as confident and dedicated as their Northern counterparts?' or 'Was Gettysburg the turning point?'" said conference chairman Shelby Foote. "The whole gist of the war is just hard to really get unless, you know, you were there and saw it happen." The coalition also advanced a theory that the Great Migration, wherein one million African-Americans moved to northern cities between 1915 and 1920, was "a black thing."
EIGHT MILLION AMERICANS RESCUED FROM POVERTY WITH REDEFINITION OF TERM
WASHINGTON, DC—Approximately eight million Americans living below the poverty line were rescued from economic hardship Tuesday, when the U.S. Census Bureau redefined the term. "We are winning the war on poverty," said bureau head James Irving, who lowered the poverty line for a four-person family to $14,945. "Today, millions of people whose inflation-adjusted total household income is less than $16,780 are living better lives." Said formerly poor Jackson, MS, motel housekeeper Althea Williams: "I never dreamed I'd ever become middle-class. America truly is the land of opportunity."
UNNAMED NEW GAS STATION STRUGGLING TO FIND 'STOP 'N GO' VARIANT
CHARLESTON, WV—The grand opening of a Charleston-area gas station was put on hold Saturday as its owner struggled to find an available "Stop 'N Go" variant for its name. "Already taken are 'Gas 'N Go,' 'Stop 'N Fuel,' 'Pump 'N Pay,' 'Gas 'N Save,' 'Pay 'N Go,' 'Park 'N Pump,' 'Fuel 'N Drive,' 'Stop 'N Gas,' 'Get 'N Go,' 'Fuel 'N Pay,' 'Buy 'N Leave,' 'Fill 'N Flee,' 'Tank 'N Peel,' and 'Pay 'N G'way,'" said owner Marv Stoudt, who noted that he has even exhausted such British variants as "Petrol 'N Depart." "We are trying to find a yet-unused permutation of two words separated by the fanciful abbreviation 'N that conveys some combination of gas, low price, stopping, and going," Stoudt said.
CLINTON HURLS FECES AT DETRACTORS
WASHINGTON, DC—Angered by criticism of his military intervention in Kosovo, President Clinton flung clods of his own excrement at White House reporters Friday. "I am the alpha male!" Clinton shouted to Sam Donaldson of ABC News. "None shall usurp my dominance of the social hierarchy!" The outburst was the first of its kind since Clinton's March 19 urination on Chinese Premier Zhu Rongji at a Beijing arms summit.
NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE FOLLOWED BY RIGHT-ON-THE-MONEY DEATH EXPERIENCE
PORTLAND, OR—A near-death experience was followed by one of the right-on-the-money variety Sunday, when local mechanic Gabe Hoover narrowly averted fatally choking on a chicken bone, only to be run over by a city bus later the same day. "As I began to lose consciousness from the lack of oxygen, I saw a bright, welcoming light, and I heard a voice calling out to me that sounded like my deceased mother," said Hoover, describing his near-death experience an hour before being struck dead. "I felt incredibly at peace, but then, suddenly, another voice told me to go back, saying I wasn't finished with my work on Earth." Hoover continued his work on Earth for another 64 minutes, at which point he hit the death nail right on the head, walking swiftly and directly into the light.
COMMUNISTS NOW LEAST THREATENING GROUP IN U.S.
WASHINGTON, DC—According to a report released Monday by the Pentagon, Communists rank last on a list of 238 threats to national security. "Communists may now safely be ignored," Secretary of Defense William Cohen said. "The Red Menace has been surpassed by militia groups, religious extremists, ecoterrorists, cybercriminals, Hollywood producers, and angry drivers." Other groups deemed more threatening than Communists include rap-metal bands (#96), escaped zoo animals (#202), and Belgians (#237).
SCULPTOR CRITICIZED FOR TURNING WOMEN INTO OBJECTS
NEW YORK—Feminist groups are uniting in protest of sculptor Garrison Byrne, who is accused of turning women into objects for sale to the highest bidder. "The sort of sexist, demeaning objectification of women in which Mr. Byrne engages is shocking and unacceptable," wrote National Women's League president Georgia Richards-Weiss in a letter to The New York Times. "That he actually makes a good living reducing females to lifeless objects is more shocking still."
TACO BELL'S FIVE INGREDIENTS COMBINED IN TOTALLY NEW WAY
LOUISVILLE, KY—With great fanfare Thursday, Taco Bell unveiled the Grandito, an exciting new permutation of refried beans, ground beef, cheddar cheese, lettuce, and a corn tortilla. "You've never tasted Taco Bell's five ingredients combined quite like this," Taco Bell CEO Walt Berenyi said. "The revolutionary new Grandito, with its ground beef on top of the cheese but under the beans, is configured unlike anything you've ever eaten at Taco Bell." The fast-food chain made waves earlier this year with its introduction of the Zestito, in which the beans are on top of the lettuce, and the Mexiwrap, in which the tortilla is slightly more oblong.
MAN HAS MIXED FEELINGS ABOUT $39 FLIGHT
SANDY SPRINGS, GA -- Moments after saving hundreds of dollars on round-trip airfare from Atlanta to Los Angeles, Phillip Walden, 41, experienced mixed feelings about the bargain $39 US Airways flight. "What sort of corners would they have to cut to make a profit on that low a fare?" Walden wondered aloud after completing the Travelocity.com purchase. "Would $39 from every passenger even cover the fuel?" For safety's sake, Walden resolved to buy the second-cheapest ticket available from now on.
HUSBAND CHOOSES CAR BASED ON LOWEST PASSENGER-SIDE IMPACT RATING
LINCOLN, NE -- Husband Bruce Menden purchased a Geo Metro Tuesday, selecting the car on the basis of its rock-bottom passenger-side impact rating in Consumer Reports. "This car's price isn't inflated by sturdy, impact-resistant steel, is it?" Menden asked the salesman. "Safety's important, but I don't want to blow a fortune on luxuries." Menden, who always drives during outings with wife Cheryl, also passed on the optional passenger-side airbag.
134-YEAR-OLD MAN ATTRIBUTES LONGEVITY TYPOGRAPHICAL ERROR
NEW ORLEANS—Area dock worker Bert Greer celebrated his 134th birthday Friday with a quiet party at his home, surrounded by family. Asked the secret to his astounding longevity, the feisty Greer credited "healthy eating, a good walk every evening, and a Social Security worker's accidental striking of an extra digit while typing in my age." The remarkable Greer, who remembers meeting President Lyndon Johnson as a young boy, said he has "no plans to retire any time soon."
6-YEAR-OLD ANNOUNCES PLANS TO BECOME BALLERINA GYMNAST VETERINARIAN HORSEBACK-RIDING PRINCESS
MILESBURG, PA—In a pre-bedtime announcement before family members Monday, area 6-year-old Stephanie Ambrose unveiled plans to become a ballerina gymnast veterinarian horseback-riding princess when she grows up. "Ashley is very much interested in that particular field," said Patricia Ambrose, the girl's mother. "But she's still keeping her options open and strongly considering becoming an astronaut actress president basketball-playing magic fairy."
BINGE-DRINKING, PROMISCUOUS SEX GOOD FOR YOU, SAYS NEW ORLEANS JOURNAL OF MEDICINE
NEW ORLEANS—According to a report published in the September issue of the New Orleans Journal Of Medicine, a number of habits long believed detrimental to one's health—including binge-drinking and unprotected sex with multiple partners—may actually prolong and enrich one's life. "Massive intake of alcohol instills a deep sense of happiness, which is essential to longevity," the report stated. Random sex with a variety of partners is likewise encouraged: "Exhaustive field research throughout New Orleans indicates that coupling with as many people as possible is a very good thing," the study read. Other behavior endorsed by the renowned medical journal includes eating excessive amounts of rich, spicy food; inhaling nitrous oxide; and screaming "Whoo!" as loudly as possible in public. To aid the early detection of breast cancer, the study also strongly recommended that all women between the ages of 18 and 45 annually expose their breasts to cheering crowds.
THOUSANDS DEAD IN INDONESIA AGAIN
JAKARTA, INDONESIA—Several days of relative calm in Indonesia came to an end Friday when a massive volcanic eruption buried most of Jakarta, killing thousands of Indonesians yet again. "I had a feeling we were due for another mass death," said Manu Palopo of Jakarta. "There hadn't been a disaster since last Wednesday, when that train derailed, killing 513. And it had been nearly a month since we'd had an earthquake, typhoon, or some other natural disaster that killed more than 1,000." A public memorial service for volcano victims turned tragic when an unexpectedly large turnout caused hundreds to be trampled to death.
STUDY: UNEDUCATED OUTBREEDING INTELLIGENTSIA 2-TO-1
CHICAGO—In a report with dire implications for the intellectual future of America, a University of Chicago study revealed Monday that the nation's uneducated are breeding twice as soon and twice as often as those with university diplomas. "The average member of the American underclass spawns at age 15, compared to age 30 for the average college-educated professional," study leader Kenneth Stalls said. "America's intellectual elite, as a result, is badly losing the genetic marathon, with two generations of dullards born for every one generation of cultured literates." Added Stalls: "At this rate, by the year 2100 there will be five smart people on Earth, swallowed whole by more than 12 billion mouth-breathers incapable of understanding the binary exponentiation that swamped the Earth with their like." High-school dropout Mandi Drucker, 16, said of the findings, "All I know is, we're in love."
POLICE SEEK POORLY DRAWN MAN
DETROIT, MI -- Four days after the murder of liquor-store clerk Bernard Golub, police announced Tuesday that they are seeking a poorly drawn man in his 40s. "All units have been advised to be on the lookout for a 5-foot-9 Caucasian with dark hair and a lopsided face that looks all wrong in the jaw area," police chief Jerry Oliver said. Oliver added that the suspect has a scar across his forehead, or possibly just a mistake that wasn't fully erased.
MOTIVATIONAL TAPE GETS MAN EXCITED FOR 20 MINUTES
SALINA, KS--The motivational cassette "Start That Motor!" got laid-off sales rep. Bruce Smales, 39, excited about his life's possibilities for 20 minutes Monday. "The guy on the tape talked about all kinds of things, like 'making your luck' and stuff," Smales said. "It sounded great, and I went right off to make my 'Life List.'" Upon finding his pen out of ink, Smales retired to the couch, where he watched a Hunter marathon on TBS.
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