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Marketing, Party, & Cavorting Dept.
It's July
14, Bastille Day, and time to CELEBRATE the exciting 1789 French
Revolution!! Back then, it was all about
storming and sacking the king's palace and the unfortunate tragic overuse of
the guillotine. But today, we can
celebrate our French heritage & French Independence by some creative
storming, sacking, and looting!!
Do you
have 'pyrotechnic tendencies'? Do you
secretly burn with passion to set things on fire, esp. other people’s things? Does self-immolation appeal to you? Well, then today's the day to CELEBRATE,
FRENCH-STYLE!! Grab a bag of illegal fireworks,
a crowbar, some matches, some Volatile Organic Compounds, a 30 gallon drum of
Toluene, and let's get going!
First,
let's make note of some important Bastille Day Celebration GROUND RULES:
(1) Do
not use the crowbar or fire/conflagration to harm anyone, because the only
official French way to inflict death would be through the use of a guillotine,
and those have been banned by the
Convention. You may use tiny guillotines,
however, to scare small children.
(2) Avoid
self-immolation unless you have a really important political point to make, but
if that's the case, 'myspace.com' is the best forum to accomplish this. ‘Cyber self-immolation’ is not yet clearly
defined.
(3) It is
perfectly legal to set stuff on fire, as long as you have the owners'
permission. It's okay to use 'strong arm
tactics' to get compliance, such as kidnapping, blackmail, or extortion. You can often find incriminating photos of
your neighbors' shocking pedophilic indiscretion on 'myspace.com'.
(4) Be
careful with mixing dangerous chemicals.
Ensure everything is labeled carefully:
"DANGER", "EXPLOSION HAZARD", "REALLY SCARY CHEMICALS",
etc., especially if you plan on flying anywhere today to celebrate Bastille
Day.
(5) Avoid
storming real government buildings. Numerous,
complicated permits and layers of legal paperwork are required to do so. It's important not to break the law when
storming, sacking, and looting.
Thus,
looting an abandoned building, a picnic pavilion, or your neighbor's garage is
perfectly okay (see also #3).
---------------------
OKAY, now
here are some exciting ideas to get your creative juices flowing for how YOU
can celebrate your FRENCH INDEPENDENCE:
(1) Burn
a statue of an important religious icon, such as Buddha, psychic Silvia Brown, or
Oprah. If burning an Oprah statue, be
aware that you could be charged with a hate crime under federal statue.
(2) Find an 'abandoned' late '70's clunker car to set on
fire. Even if it's in your local WalMart parking lot, it's fair game! Be sure to check for drunks sleeping in the
back seat first.
(3)
Assemble a large pile of trash-- or your neighbor's furniture-- and set it on
fire in YOUR front yard. It's also a
handy way to keep mosquitoes away if you're having a barbeque.
(4) Host
a book or CD burning (note that 'record burning' is now obsolete). It's really sassy to have these in the middle
of the street. Keep in mind burning CD's
may emit certain toxic fumes that have been proven to cause death in the state
of
(5)
Develop an e-storming website to set things on fire in a trendy, electronic, 21st-century
kind of way.
NOW, GO OUT THERE AND CELEBRATE BASTILLE DAY!!
--
Forward
thinking. Backwards motion.™